Wednesday, January 30, 2008

President Mitt Romney?

I mean, come ON. If our president's name is Mitt Romney, we've got some serious problems.

He also represents the second presidential candidate in recent history who bares a striking resemblance to Herman Munster.

But things were nonetheless steamy as the four Republican hopefuls sat down with Anderson Cooper for a rousing debate. The nation watched as all four candidates proved one resounding fact: they are all terrifying. Each one is worse than the next, to the point that I became so confident in an eventual democratic win that I switched over to the Syracuse vs. Depaul game, which was a real nail-biter. I caught about 20 minutes of the Republican debate, and it was like watching a John Carpenter flick.

McCain and Romney went at each other over how they WON'T be pulling troops out of Iraq, while Ron Paul showed his true colors - gray. I am astounded that this man has the raw audacity to run for president. At one point, he rattled off a nonplus speech that was intended to prove how the government should stay OUT of the economy, that the citizens should "be free". However, most citizens don't even know what an interest rate is! Somehow I doubt he's going to get the nod this year.

Huckabee took his turn to comment on how being a governor prepares you for being president, but made no statement on stealing Richard Nixon's trademark "satanic eyebrows". For the record, I agree with the "Huckster" - the best presidents do seem to come from governors, ignoring Bush and Reagan.

I can't recall who said some of these things, but all the candidates were generally agreed on a few key points:

1) We must keep the troops in Iraq...forever. God bless America!

2) Abortion is a bad idea. There should a constitutional amendment banning abortion.

3) We need to design a huge sack, made from the heartland's finest cotton. It should be roughly the size of Chicago. We need to put all the gay people in America in the sack, and shove it into the Pacific.

4) Ronald Reagan was the greatest man in history.

The crowd was eerily silent through almost the entire proceeding. I'm not sure if it was because the event was held at the Ronald Reagan library in L.A., or if they were falling asleep watching John McCain pass slowly into the black shadow of death, but there was literally no cheering and very little clapping as the candidates droned on.

I choose to take this as a good sign that most Republicans have heard the bell toll, and aren't too enthusiastic about their chances. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger, never more than a few inches from Reagan's widower, looked glum.

And when you can't get Arnie going, you've really got problems.

No comments: