President Mitt Romney?

I mean, come ON. If our president's name is Mitt Romney, we've got some serious problems.

He also represents the second presidential candidate in recent history who bares a striking resemblance to Herman Munster.

But things were nonetheless steamy as the four Republican hopefuls sat down with Anderson Cooper for a rousing debate. The nation watched as all four candidates proved one resounding fact: they are all terrifying. Each one is worse than the next, to the point that I became so confident in an eventual democratic win that I switched over to the Syracuse vs. Depaul game, which was a real nail-biter. I caught about 20 minutes of the Republican debate, and it was like watching a John Carpenter flick.

McCain and Romney went at each other over how they WON'T be pulling troops out of Iraq, while Ron Paul showed his true colors - gray. I am astounded that this man has the raw audacity to run for president. At one point, he rattled off a nonplus speech that was intended to prove how the government should stay OUT of the economy, that the citizens should "be free". However, most citizens don't even know what an interest rate is! Somehow I doubt he's going to get the nod this year.

Huckabee took his turn to comment on how being a governor prepares you for being president, but made no statement on stealing Richard Nixon's trademark "satanic eyebrows". For the record, I agree with the "Huckster" - the best presidents do seem to come from governors, ignoring Bush and Reagan.

I can't recall who said some of these things, but all the candidates were generally agreed on a few key points:

1) We must keep the troops in Iraq...forever. God bless America!

2) Abortion is a bad idea. There should a constitutional amendment banning abortion.

3) We need to design a huge sack, made from the heartland's finest cotton. It should be roughly the size of Chicago. We need to put all the gay people in America in the sack, and shove it into the Pacific.

4) Ronald Reagan was the greatest man in history.

The crowd was eerily silent through almost the entire proceeding. I'm not sure if it was because the event was held at the Ronald Reagan library in L.A., or if they were falling asleep watching John McCain pass slowly into the black shadow of death, but there was literally no cheering and very little clapping as the candidates droned on.

I choose to take this as a good sign that most Republicans have heard the bell toll, and aren't too enthusiastic about their chances. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger, never more than a few inches from Reagan's widower, looked glum.

And when you can't get Arnie going, you've really got problems.

Slow and Steady

Let's call it fate that I chose to begin this blog during the nascent stages of perhaps the most highly anticipated election in recent memory.

On this night: the Michigan primaries have come off and there is one undisputed fact that is emerging as law for this election year - the voters have absolutely no fucking idea who to vote for. In an ugly twist of fate, Mitt Romney has taken the Republican primary in his late father's gubernatorial "turf". Thanks dad!

Most of us only know "Mitt" for two things:

1) He looks like the father in "The Munsters".
2) He's a senator from Wyoming.

If you thought number 2 was actually true, don't worry - most of the country doesn't know the difference either. Romney's claim to fame is that he was once governor of Massachusetts. Yippee. Oh, and his dad owned Michigan. Thanks dad! McCain came in second with a very respectable showing, and somebody else came in third.

As for the Democrats, Hillary pulled out a commanding victory with a whopping 55% of the vote. She's finally flexing her muscle as the rightful heir to the female domination crown, and it has been widely rumored that Queen Elizabeth has already started asking Hil to Sunday tea. Way to go, Presidentress!

It should be mentioned, however, that neither Obama nor Edwards put their name on the ballot for Michigan, and that 40% of voters were termed "uncommitted". Statewide ads were run on behalf of both Obama and Edwards pleading for voters to cast for "uncommitted" (since the Michigan primary seems to have broken Democratic National Committee rules). I'm not going to explain the logistics of this strategy here, but let's just say that the state is basically a waste for Democrats. Meanwhile, Hillary's won her second state (theoretically) and John Edwards is an inch from being pushed out of the race. Thanks dad!

Well that's perfect. Just as we are all agreed that Republicans are BAD and Democrats are GOOD, and that we must unite to make the country better, the Democrats have basically trashed one of their major primaries. I know there are a lot more states but COME ON guys, let's at least show that we've got our shit together!

But honestly - there is a great and terrible fear that is hidden behind a thin veil of confidence in the apparent "evil" of the current administration. All logical peoples of the United States are counting on the formerly illogical peoples to make the proper choices this time around, despite any philosophical arguments of "right and wrong". All Democrats believe, in their heart of hearts, that there is a great number of Republicans who have converted since the previous electoral abortion.

The fear is that this is not only completely untrue, but that the few Republicans who were impacted by the idiocy of the last few years are actually on the fence, and that it wouldn't take much to push them back to the dark side. So when they see that most of Michigan's voters all voted for Hillary, and the rest are completely uncommitted to any candidate, it doesn't bode well for the conversion ratio. The Christian missionaries had it right, thousands of years ago. They all believed in the same thing, they all spoke at the same time, and they kept the savages in the dark.